Day 7: Key Decision Made

I've wrestled with a lot of thoughts and decisions since being admitted to the hospital eight days ago. 

One of the most difficult was determining which shirt I'd wear for my transplant--a key moment in my treatment and one that will hopefully lead me to many more days.

I finally came to a decision during a bout of insomnia following my 3:00 a.m. blood draw. I'll get to that in a minute.

Day 7 went by quickly and with little to report. 

My mother visited. We ate lunch together out in the healing garden and I spent the rest of the day relaxing and preparing myself mentally and physically for the second stage of this adventure.

Now that we've turned the page and it's officially Day 8, I was overwhelmed with a surge of emotion and couldn't fall back asleep after the vampire--who was with me in 2009--sucked my blood.

I tossed and turned for about an hour until I finally decided to get out of bed and "walk it off." 

I paced the empty hallways contemplating many different topics, including what shirt to wear.

Finally, I decided I'd wear my Army PT shirt.

After all, when I exhale for the final time, my life's greatest accomplishment will be having served my country.

My Army buddies--Mark, Will, Lacy, Kunkel, Greg, Tim and a host of others--will tell you I wasn't the best soldier. My boots were never the shiniest and the creases in my uniform weren't the sharpest, but I'm proud they know if they ever needed me, I'd have been there. I had their backs. Then and now.

I didn't join the Army out of some unwavering patriotism or love of country.

Life dealt me a pretty shitty hand and I wanted something more. The service was my only option.

It helped me to grow up and mature--although, I'd need several more years to really become a man--and it also enabled me to pay for college (with Sallie Mae's help).

I became the first in my family to graduate with a college degree.

Those years quickly flashed in and out of my subconscious. The decision to represent the Army in my third chance at life (the second came with my first transplant 10 years ago) became an easy one. 

I tried to fight the emotions but the tears streamed freely as I walked. I passed several hospital employees and I'm guessing they've seen it before. They didn't stop me to ask if I was in pain.

I'm guessing they sensed a pill wasn't going to alleviate what troubled me.

The funny thing is the emotion isn't due to what's going to happen today. This procedure should last about half an hour and should be as uneventful as the last one. 

It's the tomorrows that kept me awake and stirred my emotions.

It's what happens next that has left me vulnerable.

Trust me when I tell you I'm as optimistic as can be. But, I'm also a realist and I know my days are precious.

When I was first diagnosed in 2009, Mantle Cell Lymphoma had a 3-5 year life span. I'm in year 10. Don't think for a moment I don't appreciate each day my eyes open and I'll continue to look forward to more tomorrows.

The realistic part of all this is I have no guarantees.

What if the transplant doesn't work? What if there are complications? Will I continue to uphold the pledge I made to never abandon my children?

Those are the questions that poked at my heart this morning. 

Ten years ago, I was so afraid I'd leave my children without a father. That prospect kept me awake many nights. It haunted my soul. 

Have I done enough for them so they'll remember me? Did I guide them the right way? What have they learned from me?

I don't want those questions to be answered yet and in my heart, I know they won't be; not yet.

I've been graced with support from so many people. I have drawn on that strength--both 10 years ago and today. 

Today, you're all my Battle Buddies and I couldn't ask for a better team to join in this fight.

Thank you for that. Thank you for listening (reading).

Let's do this.

P.S. Visitation will be extremely limited beginning today and extending through the weekend (by personal choice). Side effects are typically seen within 3-5 days and during that time I would rather focus on getting through those challenges. If you'd like to visit, consider planning a stop after Sunday. Check with me or Paulette prior to making the trip.